not a chance, part 1.

at long last is the first of several highlight reels of my virtual online dating encounters.  i never met any of these people, what follows are just initial messages.   

i’ve excluded most of the typical suspects

  • the work hard, play hard guys,
  • the ones who fill out their profiles using all caps (it feels like we’re already arguing),
  • the guys who write me things like, “you are gorgeous love your smile” or “hello there how u doin”

because they aren’t noteworthy.  also, i did make an attempt to be sensitive because there are (presumably) actual human beings behind these tragic online personas even if that ambition isn’t always conveyed here.

all of these are real messages i actually received.  i don’t think i could come up with this stuff if i tried. 

finally, in a move that nearly killed the grammar control freak in me, i didn’t correct any of their errors.   you deserve an unadulterated view of the electronic horrors that flood my innocent inbox.  my reactions appear afterward in parenthesis.  off we go!

“your very pretty” (grrrrrrr)

“you have some cool pics and look like a really cool girl. do you want to grab a coffee sometime?” (hey cool dude, yeah, let’s grab a coffee sometime because that’s totally what i feel like drinking with a stranger in the dark after working all day and doing yoga.  you read my mind.  we’re probably soul mates.)

“hi.  my name is jeff.  how are you?” (oh, i bet you say that to all the ladies.)

"Wow! you're perfect! Dove sei stato per tutta la mia vita?!"  (meaning: “where have you been all my life?” masculine form, italian)

“I hope you are doing well. I am very impressed by you athletic abilities. I would like to invite for a date so we can have fun together. We can go to a concert or watch a movie or go to the beach. I love to travel. I lived in Michigan Georgia, Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Chicago 
It will be my first time in California. I love watching movies. Since you are an LA native, I am wondering if you would like to hang out.   I am moving from the coldest state (Minnesota) to the shiniest city. I think we have a lot in common. Are you interested in meeting?”

(1. what athletic abilities?  i mean, i was standing up in some of my photos but i doubt that counts.  2. you poor thing.  LA is not the “shiniest city,” although that is a cute term.  more like “city most covered in fine dust”) 

“If you're looking for one here I'm. Being a brit I can assure you we never disappoint beautiful girl.” (i’ll be the judge of that, young man)

“wow you're life is perfect. plus ur super funny and smart wow. A killer combination.  are you perfect for me or what ? im starting to think so.. i swear its not a line” (no, i’m not perfect and clearly neither are you)

file this one under the rubric of “you know you’re too old for online dating when…”

  • a 49-year-old from columbus, ohio wrote “hi there!  i really like” (… and… nothing…else.   these internets are so complex)

from username “ecogroovy” also aged 49 (is the 20-year age difference somehow a thing?): “I like your profile. I am also into dancing and yoga... Do you like drinking yerba mate?”  (only if it’s a hallucinogenic, man)

oh, one guy called me “boo,” which was kind of a highlight

another asked for leads on a cheap bowling alley he can rent for his scripted sports comedy pilot AND Jamaican recipes for an upcoming theme party.  (was i mistaken for Siri?)

after these epic fails, for your viewing pleasure and my fragile sanity, is a video of the same baby polar bear from an earlier post engaging in a different activity (different vocals, too).   this cub is my hero and demonstrates, metaphorically, how i feel nearly every day of my adult life.  (for the gross out fans among you, it looks like he narrowly avoids puking around the one minute, 10 second  mark. #totalchamp)