baby got (crooked) back

today’s adventure was my first physical therapy appointment ever.  the target was my scoliosis-riddled spine. 

i didn’t know what to expect but i had formed suspicions.  i imagined a gym setting but instead of normal workouts and sweating, people just did seemingly-innocuous exercises they only felt when getting out of bed the next morning.

on the music front, it would be themed according to injury to boost morale. in my case, songs including “back” (in any form of speech, i’m not fussy) in the title or lyrics would be played.   

examples include: “baby got back” by sir. mix-a-lot, justin timberlake’s “sexy back,” “get down on it” by kool and the gang, “hollaback girl” by gwen stefani, “i won't back down” by tom petty and the heartbreakers, and “look back in anger” by oasis.

reality was a tad different.  the physical therapist who evaluated me gave me a lot of sympathy for lower back pain and tight hamstrings, placating my ego.  and after that, i got a massage from another therapist!  it was fantastic.  to top it off, he set me up with what i’ll call “electroshock therapy” to my back, where he put cold jelly and topped with electrodes to the most painful points, turned on the electroshock machine, and left me in the dark for 20 minutes. the shock pattern changed in frequency and intensity and only sometimes felt like a puppy was trying to dig a hole in my back.  all of this took place to soothing new-age music.  as soon as the machine beeped to signal the end, yet another person came in to wipe the goo from my back and tell me i was finished.

i have a feeling next week will be different, though.  on the way out, the therapist mentioned establishing a “routine” for me, implying today’s spa combo of massage and electroshock was just a teaser, tenderizing me before the grill.  that’s fine, as long as she realizes, “i ain’t no hollaback girl.”